The Awkwardness of the Handshake Tip

I just need to take a moment and discuss something terrible that happens nearly every night. The handshake tip.

There is nothing more awkward for both you and I than this little manuever. It tells me that you don’t really know what you’re doing, and it makes me feel strange for having to act like it’s not the bizarre and gross interaction it truly is.

Amateurs use the handshake tip. I know, you saw someone on television or in a movie do it and thought to yourself “What a suave and slick way of tipping the valet.” So the next time you used valet you cupped that money in your hand and went to shake mine.

Sadly, it’s the antithesis of suave.

The problem is, when our two hands clasp the money doesn’t magically jump into my hand. I either have to drag a finger down your palm to pull the money into my hand, which feels skeevy, or if I resist and just do the shake, the money falls to the ground and we both stand stupidly looking at it. If our timing is really terrible, we could bump heads if we try and pick it up at the same time. Afterward you’ll go home perplexed about why it didn’t work like it did in the movies, and I’ll just shake my head wondering “When will it ever stop?”

You wouldn’t tip your waiter with a handshake, or at least I hope not, so don’t tip the valet that way either. I know it’s a different set up. I’m holding the door for you as you’re about to get in your vehicle, and they just drop a check on the table you’ll either sign or leave cash on.

Save yourself and myself this awkward situation and just hand me the tip. Don’t roll it up and make some grand origami creature, don’t give me coins (a whole different post), and for the love of God, do not palm the money for a handshake tip.

If you want to shake hands, hand me the tip first. After I thank you I’ll gladly shake your hand. Unless you’re homeless. In that case I’ll just fist bump you.

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