Beef Cake!

I see a lot of crazy and word things downtown. If possible, I try to capture it as a video or a photo, but there are times when I’m not quick enough.

Thankfully, this is not one of those times.

When you wear a hilariously ironic shirt, you have to expect a reaction.

I saw her from across the road. “Does her shirt say what I think it does?” It did.


I took it from across the street, but that wasn’t good enough. I needed a closer look.

I pushed my luck.


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There Sure Are A Lot Of Jerks Out There …

That title above, that’s how this one weird guy starts a conversation with me every time I see him.  He’s awkward and weird, but this conversation took the cake …

“There sure are a lot of jerks out there … mean guys … what, do they have a girl on every corner?  I like a happy bar where you can have a conversation with someone, but there’s a lot of jerks out there ….”

My coworker and I didn’t know what to say.  I think we silently agreed with him since he was getting aggravated.

“I still think about going over to Gary Sorenson’s house when I was 16 … but it’s been a long time.  I’m 65 now … got to make a move some time.  His uncle had a big pit in the backyard … you can’t make people fight to the death.”

T and I shared a look that can only be described as a “where the hell is this going” kind of look.

“You can’t throw a bunch of 16 year olds into a pit and make them fight to the death, you just can’t do it!”

He’s flabbergasted, shrugs, and takes off leaving my coworker and I trying to decipher what the devil it all meant.

Meanwhile at Gary Sorenson's house ...

Meanwhile at Gary Sorenson’s house …

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Professional Drinkers

You may see what you think are alcoholics from time to time, but you have no idea.  So mom has a little hooch hidden in the medicine cabinet, and Dad brings a flask with him to the high school football game.  Big deal.Uncle Steve getting a bit to frisky with the relations at the family Christmas party has nothing on the bottom of the rung spirit seekers I encounter daily in this town.

Have you ever been offered a pull from a bottle of Listerine by a group of toothless drunks that appear to be sweating said breath freshener out of their pores?  I have.

Ever walked around town at 9am while beggars and street urchins drink 4loko out of paper bags leaning up against buildings because they can’t stand up?  Come downtown some time.

Yes, There's Alcohol I Pure Vanilla Extract

Vanilla Extract, It’s Not Just For Cooking Anymore

This empty bottle of Vanilla Extract was ditched after being chugged in its entirety.  People will drink all manner of delightful products to get drunk.

So when you suburbanites come downtown and see an urban camper passed out on the sidewalk, stairwell, or park bench, don’t worry.  Target was just having a sale that day.

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My Ancient Tribal Stars

At work one day, a coworker of mine saw a piece of paper with writing all over it on the ground, so he grabbed it.  It turned out to be a poem.

My Ancient Tribal Stars

My Ancient Tribal Stars

My Ancient Tribal Stars
by Anonymous
transcribed by Thor Augenblick

Thousands and thousands into a old infinity is my ancient tribal stars
Old lords from a ancient comprehension of their common descent.
With a high nomination in control of exalts a old masculinity.
Giants and goddesses of deep conceptions high in plural forms and substantive notions.
Old high patriarchs and ancient rulers of a strong circulated heritage.
Dragons of legendary epochs from my old ancient tribal stars.
Old rebels high in the sky my oldest old ancient tribal stars …

Adult Detention Center Form

Adult Detention Center Form

I guess there’s not a lot to do when you’re in the poke.

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Dodging A Bullett

This may be one of the craziest stories from my valet days of yore.  Names have been changed to protect the guilty …

One of the busiest accounts we had was located in an affluent suburb. It quickly became a place where middle-aged women went to drink, meet wealthy men … and have sex with them.  Sometimes in the parking lot.  It wasn’t uncommon to find a couple of people getting down and dirty in a parked car, or even out in the grass by the pond behind the restaurant.

Sex was in the air.  It was as if Spanish Fly was being pumped into every drink, for every patron, every night.  Drunk women would end up pawing at the valets, flashing their breasts, offering to take the valets home for some sexy time, that sort of thing.

This place was horny central.

At the end of one night a valet we knew, let’s call him Tim, had one of these women all over him.  She was attractive, drunk, and couldn’t keep her hands off of him.  After she couldn’t find a cab, he of course offered her a ride home at the end of the night.

She got into his truck, and they proceeded to drive.  This woman immediately had her hands all over him, down his pants, kissing him and stroking him, until he could no longer concentrate any longer.  She told him to pull over, so he found the first semi-private place he could.  A church parking lot.

He received what he described as “an amazing blowjob” just steps away from the house of God.  After he expelled his seed, and she wiped her mouth, he took her home.

Tim pulled into her driveway, and before the woman could even get out of his truck, a huge angry dude came flying out the front door yelling “Who the fuck is that?”

She jumped out of the truck to meet him before he went on the rampage it seemed like he was planning for Tim.

She pleaded for him to settle down.  “Who is he, what the fuck were you doing in his car?”

“He’s a valet.  He was nice enough to drive me home when I couldn’t find a cab.”

The man’s attitude did a complete 180 degree turn.  “Oh my God, thank you so much.”  He came over and shook Tim’s hand, offered him money, told him how much he appreciated what Tim had done for his wife.”

Tim was scared shitless.  He declined the money, told the huge man not to worry about it.  The woman waved him goodbye and smiled, and Tim tried to act cool, but drove out of there as fast as he possibly could.

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Hey! When Are You Going To Use the Bath Towel?


One of the most bizarre street preachers at it again perched on his soapbox getting ready to lead people to use the bath towel …

Learn more about the bath towel preacher.

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Sometimes When You Crap Your Pants You Just Need To Cut Your Losses


Nobody likes to do laundry, but this is taking it a bit far.

These soiled blue jeans were left at the backdoor of the restaurant.  Next to them was a bag with a receipt for a new pair of pants.  Cast off your shame and lay it aside.

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