The Diceman is a Douche Bag

Andrew Dice Clay

What can I say?  I’m sure everybody was expecting big things after the Diceman was kicked off of Celebrity Apprentice in the very first episode.  “I sold out Madison Square Garden three nights in a row, no other comedian has ever done that”.  Sadly, he was unable to sell out a small club in Maplewood, MN.

The Crowd, somewhat surprisingly, was able to scrape up enough money after mortgage payments on their trailer homes, to pay for the $40 – $160 dollar tickets.  The majority of the crowd was seriously stuck in the 80’s, a time when Andrew Dice Clay was still possibly edgy and funny.  There was even a little fella that looked exactly like the Diceman.  He had the pompadour, the chops, sunglasses, and the leather jacket.  He was like a tiny little Elvis impersonator.  The weirdest thing was that there were several black people that came to the show, and the Diceman is notoriously racist.

Before the show started, the owners’ wife came in with her in-laws following right behind her.  The owner and his wife have matching H2’s.  I’d never seen her before.  I’ve seen the owner come in to other restaurants with his mistress. She looks like she’s in her fifties, has huge fake plastic tits, and is unattractive.  What blew me away, is that his wife is about thirty, nice, and in comparison to the mistress, she’s gorgeous.  She jumped out and asked me to take care of her in-laws.  If we did, she would tip us well on the way out.  I went over to help her father in-law out, but his door was locked.  He had his head down and was going through his wallet.  The car was not in park, and began creeping towards the H2.  I  knocked on the window because the door was locked, and he didn’t pay any attention.  I knocked louder as his car gained speed, saying “Hey!  Hey!” but he was still oblivious until his car crashed into the back of the H2 and made a horrible sound.  I got him to back up.  A small crowd formed as we looked for damage.  He was embarrassed.  The owners wife checked her car for damage since it was rocked pretty hard, but found none.  The father in-law luckily only had a crumpled license plate on his rental car, and it was easily straightened out.

I got to see the opening of Andrew Dice Clay’s act.  The edgiest thing he did that night, was light up a cigarette to start the show.  This is illegal in our state.  He told his staple 1980’s jokes making fun of gay people, retarded people, black people, and fat people.  The last joke he told before I went outside, was that he had a hard time voting for Obama for president.  Not because he was black, mind you, but because it’s hard to vote for a president that has a bigger dick than you.  Because, “Aye, Ohh, black people have bigger dicks!”  Incidentally Black People Have Bigger Dicks was to be the title of the scrapped sequel to The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

Later that night, the former Ramsey County Sheriff and head of security for the club came in.  He was caught in an FBI sting on several occasions stealing money during integrity tests.  The videos were posted online and were pretty damning.  In them, he and his partner shove stacks of drug money into their pockets, while a third officer checks out the bathroom.  He was convicted and has to serve 36 months in prison.

He zipped into our lot and I said,”How’s it going?”

“Well, three more days of freedom” he sighed.

It was sad.  He was trying to hang out with his former security employees.  He and the owner used to be pretty tight.  Someone must have tipped off the owner, because he snuck out the back and took off, avoiding the guy.  By now, he is enjoying his 7 x 10 concrete home in Colorado.

After the show I heard a group of guys arguing about the merit of the Diceman’s performance.  The argument ended like this, “Do you guys know why Andrew Dice Clay is playing a club in Maplewood and not some big place in Minneapolis?  I’ll tell you why, because he’s a fucking douche bag, that’s why.”

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