Before work began, I headed over to Petsmart with my wife to buy some hamster food. Right when we walked in the door, we were treated to the idyllic scene of a very large chocolate lab balancing on three legs, with the fourth up in the air for comfort while he pissed all over the checkout counter. It wasn’t just a little bit of piss, it was a dousing of piss. The owners were like “whoops, Sebastian had an accident” but they didn’t clean it up themselves. The poor checkout girl had to. What a great job perk that must be. Minimum wage and all the dog piss you care to mop up or your fired. It was cleaned up when we walked up to pay for the food, and to try to lighten the mood I said “I promise you I won’t piss all over the counter while you ring me up.”
Which unfortunately went right past her. She said “what?” in a really confused way.
This is the awkward point where you try to explain a joke that didn’t work. “We saw the dog pee all over your counter when we walked in. I said that I promise I won’t pee on the counter too.”
“Oh. Do you have a Petsmart Rewards Card?” She had a vacant look in her eyes.
Now I was the awkward one, “No.”
The night before, I was working at a night club. When we return cars we have to take a left onto this road that basically runs right towards the baseball stadium. I end up waiting at the stop light for a green arrow fairly often. Earlier in the day the city had put sealcoating on that street, which is basically a layer of tar smothered in several inches of loose rock. The road I was turning from was not sealcoated.
While I was waiting for the arrow, some meat head on a chopper behind me was revving his engine deafeningly loudly. I immediately knew he was very manly. When we got the arrow, I started to turn, but the guy on the chopper decided he would blow around the outside of me and haul ass past me. The only problem was that he hadn’t planned on the loose rocks. The minute he hit them, his bike slid out from under him, skidded across the width of the road, and up onto the sidewalk. I watched him slide to a stop in a cloud of dust and embarrassment in the rearview mirror. I didn’t get a good look at him because it was dark, so I wasn’t sure how badly he messed up his bike or his body, but I knew immediately he had shattered his ego.