The Kaiser was an Asshole, at least that’s why my Grandfather left Germany

One cold and blustery New Years Eve, a man who looked exactly like a mixture of Mayor Quimby and Liberace came into the restaurant with a woman who would do anything for swordfish.  I’m not kidding.  Her schtick was to show up in the bar, be all cutesy, get guys to buy her stuff, and then she’d fuck them.  I was actually using the urinal one night while she was fucking a guy in a bathroom stall.   There’s more to it than that, but I’ll elaborate another time.

This guy is married, and takes his ring off when he goes to the restaurant.  I know this because my co-workers told me that it was sitting in his cup holder.  This may have been the one night, and he might have been the one person, this woman wouldn’t go to bed with.  He was pissed, he was begging, he was using all of his lawyer skills of persuasion to try to convince her to come to a hotel with him, but she wouldn’t budge.  Maybe she has her limits, maybe he fell just below her cut-off, or maybe he isn’t as good of a lawyer as he thinks he is.

The pale winter light matched the blueness of his balls that night.  We brought up both of their cars, then moved them to a different lot which is always a pain in the ass.  This flamboyantly mayoral lawyer didn’t give us a dime.  Valet is complimentary, which doesn’t mean free if you’re a moron, especially on a holiday night that we’ve given up to work.  These are the kind of things that you never forget, so when you see the bastard again, you remember.

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of dealing with this same caricature of a human being.  He’d parked his car in front of the restaurant before valet had even started.  He has the typical black Mercedes that every d-bag lawyer around these parts drives, nothing special, so we immediately put his car downstairs.  You only get to be left up front if you take care of us.  If you don’t, your car gets cast down with the rusting Chevy Lumina’s and minivans.  It doesn’t matter what you drive.

Several hours later he came out to get his car. As I ran off I heard him say, “He’s got to go run to get my car, are you kidding me?”  While I was getting it, he threw a major temper tantrum in front of the restaurant.  He said things like, “When I come in, you leave my car up front, you might not know who I am, but I get left up.  I drive a $140,000 Mercedes, you don’t put my car in the lot where it can get stolen or damaged.  I was going to give you $20.  I told my friend, if my car is up front, they get $20, if it’s not, they get $5.  That’s the economics of the situation, and you need to learn it.  This is how it works in real life.”

His reaction was so out of the blue, that my coworker didn’t know how to react, so she laughed.  That’s how ridiculous the guy was.  Eventually he went back inside to bitch to his friends that he wasn’t treated special, and the thing is, he never will be.  His car will always go downstairs no matter how much he cries and complains, because assholes get treated like assholes.  If you want to be taken care of, you don’t act like a pompous ass and throw a tantrum.  If you treat us well, we’ll treat you well.  You need to earn our respect, and shit like that, you can never take back.  You’ve now been blacklisted.

When I got his car up, probably four minutes later, he yelled at me too.  “Fifteen fucking minutes, you’ve got to be kidding me.  That’s bullshit, you guys are terrible.  My car never goes in the lot it stays up here!  You got that?”

I tried to tell him it was against the city ordinances to leave cars in the valet zone, but he just yelled and complained even more.  When he slammed the door, I still had his stupid key fob in my hand.  He hadn’t been able to control his tantrum and there was no opportunity to give it to him.  He was still yelling inside the car, but facing forward, basically being his own audience.  He might have been looking at himself in the mirror it was hard to tell.  It was kind of nice to knock on his window and interrupt his tirade.

“What?” he yelled at me as his window came down.

“You’re probably not going very far without these”, I held up his fob.

He snatched it out of my hand with one more “Ridiculous!” and drove off into the night.

We’ve been saving a spot for him in the lot ever since.

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