Guest Post: The Stare Down

Today I’m putting up a guest post.  I’ve never done one before, but I’d like for it to become a common occurrence.

Today’s post comes compliments of my buddy Miles.  I’ve stood curbside with him in the past, but I wasn’t there for this.  Take it away Miles:


Through my years of professionally relocating and retrieving vehicles, (professional speak for valet parking) I experienced most of my bizarre stories at the same corner in downtown Minneapolis.

The intersection includes a now defunct gaming hangout, a notorious drug dealing bus stop, two steak houses, and a run down restaurant. It was this mix that brought the most interesting stories I experienced within the industry.

However, the following story is one I hold particularly close to my heart.  There’s no way I could make this up.

Our shift began at roughly 5:00 every night, but by no means is this when the crazies come out to play.  Our shift was two hours underway, and all 6 of the valets were standing around the podium. We were discussing the normal valet gossip when a man intoxicated beyond comprehension decided to post up against the glass windows of the restaurant.
He proceeded to stare at us, only able to keep one eye open.

This type of thing wasn’t out of the ordinary. If this hobo was bothering patrons we would’ve chased him away.  Instead of begging for money, he just continued to mean mug the valet stand.

After five minutes passed, I engaged in the stare down.  Thirty seconds into the war, I noticed something particularly amusing.

I alerted the other valets, “Guys, the hobo is literally pissing himself in this stare down.” And sure enough the dark spot on his jeans grew bigger and bigger.

We lost it.

While we were laughing, customers began to notice, but the man wouldn’t leave. I made my way over to a police officer at the bus stop across the street and told him of the situation. When I walked back with the cops, the situation took a twist.

The man,  still leaning against the wall, spotted the police and decided to move. He didn’t run away, instead he took his shoes off and left them next to the glass windows, then calmly walked around the corner and out of sight.  No one saw him again.

As our night continued, the urine soaked shoes stayed put.  The shoes actually didn’t leave the premises for a few days.  A constant reminder to us valets of that perfect drunken situation at 7pm downtown Minneapolis.

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3 Responses to Guest Post: The Stare Down

  1. Robin Kyle says:

    You never mention the hobo was Liam Neisen

    • It totally was, but he had lost his memory, and sadly his wife. He grieved through several bottles of the finest single malt before leaning against the building, communicating in cave man grunts, and finally soiling himself for everyone’s amusement.

  2. john says:

    Heh, the picture makes him look a bit like Liam Neeson.

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