Guest Post: Losing Faith in Humanity

Todays guest post comes from long time valet Ben.  You can find Ben here:  

About once a month I realize we aren’t a society built to last.

These experiences border on depressing, but have left me a pessimistic optimist. I expect so little out of people, that I’m optimistic I might have a chance at success.

This is where it started…

I began the night at a luxury all-you-can-eat meat buffet. For the first few hours, it was just another average night – park cars, wait, return cars–repeat. At 7pm I received a phone call that would ruin my night. The manager on duty asked if I could supervise Visage, to which I replied, “Are you sure…I’ve never worked there before?” He insisted, so I left the elegant steakhouse and made my way to the butthole of downtown.

Visage wasn’t your average nightclub full of degenerates.  It consistently brought in the worst people you’ve never wanted to meet.  It was almost as if each person entering the club was hand-picked from society’s dumpster.

After getting setup at the night club, I braced for chaos.

2 hours later, we had parked a total of 5 cars. Woohoo! Shortly after I breathed a sigh of relief, the downward spiral began. Then the next thing I knew, the street was packed, traffic was backed up, and there were about 15 cars in the valet zone. People were honking and yelling at me “Yo where da valet at?” I tried to ignore most customers since it was taking the valets about 20 minutes to park cars.

The night was a cornucopia of depressing events.  Some of the more interesting/sad/weird things I saw:

– Around midnight, 2 girls burst out the door of the club, fighting and screaming. A security guard immediately maced them, which hit everyone within a 15 foot radius. One unfortunate guy hit with the mace was coughing so hard that he ralphed all over a Mercedes we’d just brought up from the parking lot. The Campbell’s Chunky puke covered the entire passenger-side window. Disgusting. As the bouncer said, “That was some exorcist shit right there!”

– We had four VIP’s total on the night, which is where you really make your money since valet is priced at a horrible $9. But…I had to refund two of the VIPs since one of them couldn’t get in because he just got out of prison, even though he had his ID and SS card on him. The girl who runs the show wouldn’t let him in because of that, which didn’t make much sense and basically took $70 out of my pocket. Better to have someone who served their time than the dozens of criminals inside who haven’t been caught yet. The dude was pissed and he wouldn’t show her his ID because he kept saying, “Since when do bitches run the show man???” I guess times have changed since he was in prison.

– I got consistently sad seeing some of the people who came into the club: Women at least 6 months pregnant, people with child car seats while their car reeked of weed, and mostly just how everyone talked. A grammar school could clean up.

– The next maceing: This one is good. There had been a valet that had been bothering me most of the night. He was slow and would always state the obvious, that there are 20 people who want to valet and “what should he do?” I would always have to yell at him repeatedly until he took a car. So around 1:20am he left to go return a car when a crowd of 15 gets maced. He happens to be running through it at the time and gets hit pretty bad. He came back with tears streaming down his face and handed off the keys to another valet while he found a bathroom sink.

– Most disturbing thing of the night: Seeing a man choke a girl. He ended up getting punched a few times from the bouncer and eventually arrested, but this was pretty shocking.

– A lot of random death threats were overheard. People always repeat what they say at least ten times: …”If that bitch steps to me…I’m a knock her ass out….I’m a knock her ass out….I’ll knock that bitch down….” You get the point. So much repetition in death threats.

Just an average night for a valet at a night club …

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