Vinny’s Valet Boot Camp

This is an actual letter our old valet company received after asking their employees what they could do to hire better valets:


Here is my input:  Each new prospective valet will have to complete the valet boot camp.  Valet boot camp will be a series of tests to see if the potential valet has what it takes to valet in the jungles of Minneapolis.

Valet boot camps will start out with a 5 mile endurance run up hill, where the valet will have to complete less than 12 minute miles to finish the challenge.  Along the way they will face serious obstacles that will push them to their limit.  They must endure being taunted by unruly pedestrians, chased by bums, and yelled at by drunks.  The candidate must complete the challenge and live!  If a candidate walks at any time, they will be removed immediately (to cut down on smokers).

After the 5 miles are over the valet will be required to immediately complete 200 push ups and 300 sit ups to see if the valet has the physical strength that is needed in case a posse of angry young men show up suddenly to beat you up for insulting their mother.

Valet boot camp stage 2 will consist of the road dash.  This challenge will take place on Hennepin Ave where the valet will have to play frogger to get across.  This will test his/her smartness.  Any jaywalking tickets or being struck by a car will be grounds for immediate departure.

The 3rd stage of valet boot camp will consist of hand to hand combat with a bum.  The valet must be able to disarm and take out the bum.

The 4th stage will test the prospects driving skills.  The valet has to prove that he can peel out in the City Center ramp, drive at outrageously high speeds around tight turns, and cut off other drivers on the road.  Any crashes or failure to achieve these requirements will be grounds for dismissal from camp.

The final stage of valet boot camp is the ultimate test of mental ability.  The candidate will be put in charge of an account as a supervisor, and placed into a scenario (without their knowledge) that a car has just been stolen.  They will be yelled at and screamed at for one hour.  During that time they will have to be able to withstand the abuse.  If at anytime the trainee breaks or gives up they will fail the test and go home.

Valet boot camp is the ultimate challenge to see if a person has what it takes to be a valet (with the company).  Many will fail, few will make it, but boot camp is what (the valet company) needs to make sure we aren’t hiring dummies who just aren’t good workers.



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2 Responses to Vinny’s Valet Boot Camp

  1. Sounds like a fun place to work – perhaps they could invade a small country while they are at it!

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