How to Drive Drunk and Not Get Caught

I’ve known several people in my life that ended up getting caught drunk driving.  It’s not a fun process.  You may enjoy the night or even a weekend in jail, your car gets towed, you lose your driver’s license, your insurance rates go up, you may have to have a breath machine (ignition interlock device) installed in your car, and between the fines and the reinstatement fees … it could end up costing you thousands of dollars …

Because you’re mine, I walk the line.

Or you could buy a magnet for the side of your car for $4.99 + shipping and never have to worry about it again. (Signs available here.)

$4.99 and a life free from worry.

That’s right, you heard me.  Drive drunk without all the worry.

You may say “That makes no sense, what about my poor driving?”

The genius of this technique is the bad driving.  Student drivers are already horrible drivers, and any police officer that sees you weaving in and out of traffic will assume it’s because you are learning how to drive and will leave you alone.

“But how can I get away with it if I’m the only one in the car?”

Everyone knows that drunk driving is much more fun with a friend, which is why you should never attempt this by yourself.

Hold on a second!  I guess I jumped the gun a little when I said that it would only cost you $4.99.  You’re also going to need an old school clipboard and some sort of fake score sheet (which can be mocked up in Word pretty easily).  It also helps to sell the illusion if you have some orange cones for parallel parking in the back seat, but those are optional.

On the rare occurrence that your driving is so sub par that the red and blue lights are flashing behind you, it will be your friend sitting in the passenger seat passing judgement on your driving skills that will make the officer change his mind and give you a warning.

This is the outfit you should have ready at all times for your passenger to wear.

As long as your friend in the “teacher” seat can sell a sobering disappointment in your performance (it doesn’t have to be Oscar worthy) you’re in the clear.  “Really Mr. Johnson, another left turn without signaling first?  One more and I’m afraid I’ll have to fail you.”

Now take the tools I’ve given you, and go out there and enjoy some stress free drunk driving.

I’m giving you a night call …

* In case you are naive or just stupid, this post was written in jest.  I do not condone drunk driving, and having been a victim of a drunk driving accident I know how serious it can be.  So lighten up.

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